The Art of Mooching

Samuel Clemons saw the world while staying at other people's houses. It was his goal to live rent free. That was back when a pineapple on the nightstand was a sign of welcome, and an upside down pineapple was a sign that you had made a nuisance of yourself. Gone are the days of the pineapple, but the art of mooching is still alive and well.

So how does one mooch as long as possible? In my mind, the answer is three fold: know your host, mind your manners, and leave before asked. The application is considerably more difficult than the explanation and involves making some assumptions to start off with, to be followed with a little behavior study.

Many people that I have stayed with want to help, and will actually go out of their way to do so. This behavior is somewhat beyond me, as I turn down help if I am capable and rarely offer help to someone else who is capable and willing. I believe people don't want to help as much as they want to feel that they have helped. They want that warm fuzzy. Who am I to deny a warm fuzzy? Sometimes you just have to sit back, let someone help, and then give them an honest thank you. But be weary of the helpful limit.

The helpful limit is the point where a warm fuzzy turns into a pain in the ass. Look for signs of decreased enthusiasm, eye rolls, shrugs, and helpfulness fall off. Get out of their area if you see one or more of these signs, maybe have a meal or two away. A couple burritos are still cheaper than a night of lodging. Of course, there are some fairly accurate assumptions when it comes to someone's willingness to help out.

Females tend to do the nurture thing. Nurturing ranges everywhere from putting a slice of cheese on a burger to serving a four course meal, all while asking if there is any thing else needed. The kicker for me is that they enjoy nurturing- especially the more mature they are. Regardless of age, most guys just want you to get it yourself and then clean it up because they don't want to do it.

Tread lightly. Treat mooching like a hippie treats hiking- zero impact. Whoever you are staying with, you are imposing on some level on their ground and routine. Nothing gets old quicker than home not feeling like home. Keeping personal affects picked up or out of sight is important, as is letting your host sleep when they are used to.

Most of successful mooching is simply common courtesy; please and thank you. Plus it is a lot easier than being engaging and witty for days on end. I tried that once; got an hour in before I hit the wall and started making fart jokes.

The last step of successful mooching is known as the Seinfeld principal- leave when you are on top. This is mooching for the long term. If you leave on good terms, chances are that the doors will be open if the journey should happen to bring you back around again.