Choice Words

If you do not wish to hear me swear profusely or use the lord’s name in vein, I suggest not going any farther than this. Consider yourself warned.

If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, but repetition never lessens my satisfaction. Fuck. Yep, I said it and I’ll say it again. Fuck. Ahh, refreshing and cathartic.

Fuck is my favorite bad word. It outnumbers all other words in my internal dialogue in multiples. The only words that I might use more in my internal dialogue are ‘what’ and ‘why’. Even those words are often used with fuck “What/Why the fuck…?/!” My favorite application of the word fuck is as an exclamation "Fuck yeah!", as pictured.

There are many categories of bad words. To me, each category is defined by how much trouble you can get in if you throw out a bad word at a holiday dinner table. Here a couple of my favorite categories.

The first category is converted bad words. Words like balls, jackass, and jugs; innuendo words with a contestable meaning within a given sentence. Try using Snuffleupagus as a bad word. That’s right, the Sesame Street character. It’s an exercise in swearing creativity and also quite fun.

On the next tear are the mild dedicated bad words like damn, ass, hell, and bitch. These words are the ones you can sneak into a PG-13 movie or TV later than prime time. These words are all right, but they just aren’t as fun as any of the other categories. First of all, they are mainstreamed and second of all, they don't require as much creativity, as innuendoes do. The exception is ‘bitch’. Recently there has been a bitch renaissance. When I was growing up, only a female could be a bitch. Now bitch has gone equal opportunity and anybody can be a bitch. You know what I say to that? Bitchin’.

Blasphemous words are next. Your standard Jesus Christ and God. These words mean a lot to some people, but not me, so I throw them around as I please. Although, they are a bit boring on their own. I usually opt for a creative bad word tag team, to take the swearing to another level.

The last category is your real heavy hitters: shit and fuck. These are your R rated words that don’t make it to TV at all. These words are good enough to enjoy by themselves, like a New York Strip done to perfection. Shit! Fuck! Stub your toe: ‘Shit!’ Miss an interstate exit: ‘Fuck!’ These words are my favorite and are often nothing more than punctuation to a shity or kickass event. Plus these bad words play well with others and open up a whole new level of bad word usage.

Tag team words are just plain fun. A good team can create a swearing synergy, where the whole is greater that the individual obscenity. Stack up the bad words like Legos; your own little creations made of little shit bricks. Shit-canned, shit-head, shit-storm In-fucking-credible, abso-fucking-lutely, un-fucking-believable, good stuff. To take the tag team to another level, team up your bad word with religion. Everything is heavier when God jumps in the picture. Goddamnit, Jesus-fucking-christ, Holy shit.

Bad words are verbal firecrackers. They are fun to play with if you are careful, but point them at the wrong person and the decision could come back to bite you in the ass real quick. By the way, that isn’t supposed to be foreshadowing. If you didn’t want to be exposed to the words, you shouldn’t have read it, and I don’t want to hear about it.